Ode on the Occasion of the Retirement of John Fraser Ramsey
by John S. Pancake
When Earth’s last picture is painted, and the tubes are twisted and dried,
And the oldest trustee has faded, and the assistant professors have died,
He shall rest -- and faith, he shall need it; lie down for an eon or two,
Til the Dean of the Heavenly College shall put him to work anew.
The Heav’nly department of history will be housed in a heav’nly hall
With celestial temperatures constant, and maintenance always on call.
The budget will always be balanced, and always approved by the dean;
Promotion and pay will come every day, with fringe benefits in between.
Enrollments will only be enormous, and classes will only be small;
We will teach no eight o’clock classes; there will be no registration at all.
We will travel to far flung conventions, with travel expenses to burn.
We will roister and ramble and party and gamble, and we may just never return.
Committees will only have chairmen, and reports will never be made;
There will be no graduate orals, and never a paper to grade.
The faculty bar will be open at night and dawn and noon,
And tended by graduate angels with golden jiggers and spoons.
The jokes will only be new ones - the drinks will only be tall;
And we’ll stand at the bar forever, and never get tired at all.
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